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'Yes, it went from 100 to 2, which is down 98%, but then it went from 2 to 4, which is up 100%, so you're ahead.'

"How would you like to dabble in some very high quality junk bonds?"

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

"Do you ever try to explain to your kids that you spend all day buying and selling things you don't have?"

"I got in on the ground floor with Gamestop."

"A fool and his money are soon parted."

"The beauty of diversification is, when some stocks go down, others go up and vice versa. That way, over time, the value of the whole portfolio...goes...um, nowhere."

'So, anyone have any idea how we go about explaining how we made a hostile takeover bid for one of our own subsidiaries?'

Man at brokerage: 'I want to keep ahead of, not just up with, the Dow Joneses.'

"Not to toot my own horn, but I was doing time for stock manipulation when you were still in business school."

'DOW 19,000, NASDAQ 6,000, Russell 1,700.'

"We've added cheerleaders for when the market hits 15,000."

'When do we start playing for keeps?'

'Dodd Frank Chopper at 2 o'clock!'

'That's what I'm getting my dad for Father's Day. He lost his in the stock market.'

'Hey, look at that! We both own Halliburton!'

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

'But the short term view is very good.'

Businessman walking along Wall Street sees 'Danger Falling Stocks' sign.

Stocks rebounded from previous losses on news that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.

'It's the same charting software the pros use. You know, the same guys who fail to match market returns 90 of the time.'

'Dow 17,000 and you've got a deal!'

'Yeah, I guess you could call it a stock split, except in your case the company didn't issue any more shares.'

'Dangerous? He's got his entire life savings tied up in one stock--that's dangerous!'

I'm worried about the on traction in the economy. . . I'm happy about the falling interest rates.

Stock Market up's and down's

"Here's the Wall Street urinal you asked me to pick up on my way home."

"The market was unstable today, the brokers were unstable and the public was unstable. Analysts believe this is the new normal."

"All agreed? We buy low and sell high."

"After the crash I wanted to shoot myself... but I could not afford the bullet."

'Speak up, dammit

'Goodbye, Charles; have a greed-is-good day.'

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

'Who could have dreamt that an investment in low-carb, nano stem cells would turn out to be riskier than it sounded?'