Visitor With A Penchant For Irony Gifts

"Animals? Yes, sir, we're working on that."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"Oh sure, it's easy to blame your husband, when he's not here to defend himself."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

Hotel mini-bar.

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

"Nothing can be done about crime unless you deal with the root causes in the environment."