Vino Veteran T-Shirts

'...and what are these screw tops all about, wine should have a proper cork, and the prices...who do they think they're kidding.'

In the Guru District

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Video Henge: made from melting and molding 3,000,000 obsolete VCR tapes.

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Redhead

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

'Okay, so you were right; maybe figuring 13 bottles of wine per person was a little too much.'

'Are you sure this wine is ten years old?' - 'Yes, I remember opening it ten years ago.'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'C'mon! Speed it up! I've got a bottle of wine here that says it's meant to be drunk soon!'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

'In the interests of full disclosure, federal law now requires me to inform you that I own shares in the winery whose product I am serving this evening.'

'Now forget that I'm your boss and the CEO. How does my new product idea, Just the Lees, taste?'

A very fine vintage

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

"At last! Something that goes well with us!"

Nouveau wine

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

'That's a tough question. I suppose I should be served with a dry red.'

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

'Move? Are you kidding? With the wines the guy next door collects?'