Vanity Fair Reader Pillows

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

"I can never get my sunglasses on my head the way my hairdresser does"

'Be ready in a minute - just have to put on my face.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

Krest Yellow Strips. (Rat performs dental hygiene.)

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

TV-Mirror.

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

'What would you say about me having my spots enlarged?'

"You're so vein."

The Paper Silhouette Editor

'Ben believes looking suave is the most important part of fly fishing.'

Narcissus

'It's the least I can do. I don't have enough money to get cloned.'

'It's more like a very good used you.'

'My doctor told me these new Botox injections could be harmful.'

'This is Photoshop. It's like the beauty salon of the Internet.'

'Did Picasso get hounded every 10 minutes?'

'Having limited funds, Irwin goes with the less expensive chest hair transplant.'

Eventually, a point is reached where even the best cosmetic surgery begins to look more like taxidermy gone horribly wrong.