University Critic T-Shirts

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

'Did you really? I flunked out of Bob Jones, too!'

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

Master's Degrees of the Universe

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"One can be against entitlements, and still feel a sense of entitlement."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

"Data is just another way of never having to say you're sorry. You know that, David."

Uni. Snowflake Library

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'I want to open a joint account with the riches man in town. . .'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"Oh for goodness sake grow up Gerald. You know that just encourages them"

'It's not fair! I'm socially excluded from gang culture.'

'Since when did we start getting report cards, too?'

Scientific Research: '...The solar rotation theory...I figure it'll take years of heavily funded research to see if the sun really does set in the east...'

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

'He was a grateful man...just not in a good way.'

'I think your test grading is biased in favor of students who answer the test questions correctly.'

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

'Caution: Some content may be offensive to sensitive students.'

St.Titanics primary, "It's a sink school."

Professor Krisps research suggested that the intelligensia where much more stupid than anyone had suspected