Unexpected Twist Admirer Pillows

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

"Schedule the 'voyeur' and the 'exhibitionist' for the same time. I want them to meet."

Today will start off with an interesting twist.

"We want two pizzas, in small, nonconsecutive slices."

Humor Doesn't Have to Be Funny

"And I was all like - severed head in a sack? What severed head in a sack?"

An unexpected development during round three of the annual nuclear physics play-off.

'My card - I'm an optician.'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"I never dreamed we'd migrate."

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

Magicians hat being pulled out of a rabbit

Trojan horse with a satellite dish.

'Careful, Mugsy, he's got a tool.'

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

The Final Selfie

Death Photobombs a Holiday

Joe, this is not my idea of 'paint night at the bar.'

If Shakespeare were alive today

'Alas irrefutable confirmation.'

Muggers nick nurses bag only to be showered in syringes

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, mister. This saloon is made entirely of ninjas.'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

'Well - we are catfish.'

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel ... let down your hair extensions.'

'Wait a minute,' thought Bob. 'This isn't my book. And those aren't my hands.'

'You called a plumber!'

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

". . . and now, someone who needs no introduction. . ."

We discovered the original background during an x-ray. Ice cream.

Writing about scientific progress in 1675, Isaac Newton said " If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." This metaphor is now commonly used to make the point that scientific advances are made using a foundation built by the work of those who came before. That Newton guy was right, you can see further when you're on the shoulders of Giants. I just wonder if he was talking about the players from the football Giants or the baseball Giants. Ernie is a much bigger fan

"You are late! The rabbit left half an hour ago!"

Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs

'Goliath! Spent force - Lifetime of drug fuelled addiction. His headline grabbing misdemeanours have sapped his energies.'

'Bad news I'm afraid Mrs Cleveland. Your husband and I are entering into a same-sex partnership.'