Unexpected Comedian T-Shirts

'Cheer up Mom...They say dead is the new 80.'

A surprisingly challenging resolution. This year my resolution is to leave well enough alone.

'All good things come to an end . . .'

Can You Dance?

Faster, Georges, faster!

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

The circus diver.

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Beware of sissified, but tough dog!

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"I just remembered where I left my chew toy."

"Larry does all his own stunts."

"Be careful, this plate is… never mind."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Bathing and Showering.

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

Prosthetic snake.

'You said you went to night classes to draw birds, and when I asked whether they had clothes on and you said they didn't - you know I didn't expect this!'

Man on desert island sees tightrope walker on horizon.

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is McWit Construction actually finished a job on time.'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

A bowls player bowling a bomb

A man walks three dogs at gunpoint

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

Antiques roadshow: 'Yes it's definitely Silver'

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

"Can you hear me now?"