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'This is only the weather forecast- 'Strictly Come Dancing' is on in ten minutes!'

"Hawaii Five-O" is back? Yeah, but they should call it "Hawaii Version Two Point-0."

Britain's Got Talent

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

Benedict Cumberbatch

"Don't get strung out by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover."

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

University Soapflakes

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

MacGyver's Cat: 'You see, I took your bed and two paper clips and made it my bed.'

'There's nothing on.'

"Do you know any other songs besides the theme to The Andy Griffin Show?"

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

TV jester.

Star Wars vs Star Trek

"I know! Two years without anymore Game Of Thrones?"

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

TV-Man

Time Machine Collision

Astral Projection

"Bravo!"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"My God!! - Those actors must all be really old by now...!"

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

What are you in the mood to get confused watching tonight?