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David Dickinson

Applause

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

'Because it was there, Dave, because it was there.'

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

Men discussing a book on a chat show

"Sorry, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

"Granted, there's no business like show business, but that's not the business I know."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

"Hi, I'm Jamie Theakston and this is Dogs Might Fly."

The Mom quiz show

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"Thanks Dave. I don't know about you folks, but I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

"Well I think the Real question is..."

"Today on the ask Sadie show, we'll be addressing one single topic: 'Wolverine.' Specifically, we'll be talking about how most of you freaks who were obsessed with it for months are no longer talking about it. You people today have the attention span of a chimpanzee!!! That's an average of about 20 seconds, for those of you who still remember what I just said."

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

Good Morning Britain has just achieved something previously thought impossible...by making Piers Morgan the most likeable man on screen.

Magic Trick

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."