Tv Critic's Muse Gifts

'No specials will be seen tonight, so that we may bring you our regularly-scheduled programs....'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Can't Touch This

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"You don't have to answer that."

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'Here's veteran pundit Edwin Shrock to sound off og whether any other pundits actually know what they're talking about...'

A TV tank

Silly News.

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

Tonight, on the microwave channel... chicken pot pie!