Trust Irony Lover Pillows

'The first rule in business, mother, is to never trust anyone. Now go back and walk through the metal detector...slowly.'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"It's the dawn of a new era"

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

'If you exercise you add 10 years to your life.' - 'But I would spend the 10 years exercising.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

Cactus seats.

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"Needs to get a life"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Eat my dust!"

'Do worms feel pain? Of course not! As a matter of fact...'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Looks like a pretty quiet night out there, huh, girl?"