Internet Irony Lover Pillows

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

"If your internet doesn't work, please check our online help chat...if your internet doesn't work..."

www.hopeless-assassin.com. Hits 0.

'There's a guy out here who wants to kill the messenger.'

'That's amazing, old people deciding the fate of the Internet.'

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Why is it every time I need to go somewhere, the driverless car is taking itself for a spin?"

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"Oh sure, it's easy to blame your husband, when he's not here to defend himself."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

"I hope there's nothing genetically modified in this."

Bureaucrat Walking his Pet