Trendy Therapist Gifts

New-Age junk diet.

"Pillows for sleeping on are downstairs. These are all for screaming into."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

"Get real Dad, those are LAST years colors!"

Can I get you another coffee?

A Wally Yomp Psychologist...Practice limited to people who are really miffed!

I'm not buying a $25 set of boring hooded towels off a big box store baby shower registry. Mom fights the man! The local baby boutique will have a hipper selection. So true! Catch those adorable all-organic, artist-designed towels! Cute! And only $55 each! My pretentions are never cheap!

Back To School Supplies.

"It's a very hip disease, so it's good that we caught it early, before everyone's talking about it."

'Hey, we're in style!'

If a tree falls in the forest but there's no hashtag for it ...

"We're thinking of having your nose pierced."

"My computer doesn't understand me!"

Multitasking: Psychiatry and Podiatry.

'I can't enjoy the stuff I steal because I set fire to it all.'

I confess, I'm one of the bloggers that's hurting the journalism business. You? I blog stories about my local community. You have journalistic training? Of course. I've spent years watching Shepard Smith and Montel Williams. The visitor wept with respect. Shoot me.

"We've ruled out anything trendy."

"So....what's the skinny?"

"Lately life is just a bed of neuroses."

"I'm going to prescribe you four metres of bubble-wrap three times a day."

'Everyone accuses me of being a 'control freak'.'

'These kids today look absolutely ridiculous.'

'Dad, I have commissioned my buddy to study your behavior patterns.'

I'm so sick of 2017, Randy. What? It's still 2016. I know. But everyone's saying how horrible 2016 is and how they can't wait for it to be over. I don't want to be part of the herd, I want to be a trendsetter. There are better ways to be a trendsetter, little buddy. #hashtag-2017-stinks.

"What you're expressing, them, is that although no one else actually perceived them as such at the time, you suspect that all your takeovers have been, at heart, hostile?"

Prices include consultation with fashion therapist

Therapy Playgroup

"Now tell me, how long have you believed you are a cat?"

'No.'

Telepsychiatry

Distant but dope

"Why don't I have a psychiatrist's couch? Funny, my psychiatrist asked me the same thing."

Mane bun

'I could make a lot more progress treating your kleptomania if you'd stop swiping my notes after every session!'