Trend Juggler T-Shirts

'His business forecasts make flipping a coin quite respectable.'

"AHHHH, MORNING!"

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"It boils down to which I dislike more: ironing shirts or non-iron shirts."

"I had considered hyphenating my last name, but now I'm leaning towards and underscore."

"I'm putting myself through med school by waiting tables. I'll be back shortly to take your blood pressure."

"I don't think I can be truly happy unless I have more passwords."

'We don't have anyone here by that name. Was he perhaps using one of his aliases?'

"History test? But I studied all night for a math test!"

If you're a multiple personality could you spare an identity for an amnesiac?

A new book with a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

Choose any combination of the words above to name your brilliant first novel.

"For your enjoyment: Please turn off electronic devices, close your eyes, and cover your ears."

Mystery and suspense at the library.

A statue of Mercury is defaced with a purse, stockings, a bra and lipstick.

"Doctor, before we start you've got to promise me that I don't have to give up anything."

"My name is Phil, and I, too, am..."

"Right, 1:02 minutes to the corporate conference meeting."

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine. I am not your Uncle Mort, I am someone else altogether. Oh yeah? Who are you? I am … Drinkum … Coffeeman … Worthington-Smythe … of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes. You may have heard of us ... we're a family of um ... Troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix. So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that? Google is an abomination!!! One ge

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"It's not begging if you've been to college. It's attempting to arrange interim financing while restructuring your debt load."

'Will this job requirer me to look up from my phone?'

Tall tales and Short stories

Fiction/Non Fiction/A Toss Up.

'It's great to get back to the simple life,'

'See, I told you I can text and chew gum at the same time.'

You were watching tv on your cellphone while driving, and almost hit an old lady. Guilty. No more multitasking. You are no longer allowed to do two things at once. Okay. Or three things! Death of a loophole.

The lame stuff you listen to (yes, you)

Ugh, you go ahead – I have five months of emails to catch up on.

What can I get you? Something light but filling. Flavorful but not too spicy. Healthy but not boring. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Something right in the middle. Neither here nor there. It must walk the line of non-offensive yet opinionated. I wonder if Arby's is taking applications. If I eat a sandwich in the woods and no one is around, do I make a sound?

"My eyes ache, that's enough zoom meetings and screentime for today."

Writer, waiter, writer, waiter.

'Until that stabilizes, we will be monitoring your doses of market news.'