Trend-averse Intellectual Gifts

'I need three books with burnt orange covers, one with chocolate brown and one with light beige - but no best sellers. I don't want people to think I'm trendy.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Cactus seats.

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"May I offer a very different scenario?"

"Things are looking up!"

You are much more likely to think outside the box if it is broken.

"When you're nailing the numbers, they don't ask questions."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Just do the presentation Williams and let the numbers speak for themself.'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

"This is never going to work—you're a tree!"

"He's a loose cannon with nothing left to lose, but he's the best damn file clerk I've ever seen."

If middle-age birthday cards were honest...

"Well, by that logic no one would ever shave a clock onto a monkey."

"Hold on - the ref is checking the rule book."

"I didn't want this book to end, so I stopped reading it midway."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"Frank's always been afraid of change."

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

The Electricians Giraffe Aid

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"Have some respect for my learning style."

Failed mobile home designs

"To give it credibility let's tell the boss we stole our business idea from the Japanese instead of thinking it up ourselves!"

'John's into 'computer-hacking' in a big way!'

"You must be the artist."

101 uses of a dead cat: chariot wheels.

"My last patient was a cainamotpelk...she walked backwards into shops and left things!"

Sitting Out the Lambada