Tongue-in-cheek Dining Pillows

"All our vegetables are well done. It's a return to the old values."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Do it yourself books.

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"He decided to write a travel book..."

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it's a genetically modified potato.'

"Bitch."

"Don’t you dare talk to your father in all caps young lady!"

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

'Get with it, Ralph! Trophies are meaningless, when everyone gets one!'

R.I.P Seth Grimthorp

Why do you have an empty beer can hanging from the ceiling? Because it's hard to find mistletoe in April.

Strike Action Man.

One-Stop Shopping. Illegal. Immoral. Fattening.

Did you feel that, Randy? I think I was an earthquake. Tough to tell, little buddy. I had just come up with an idea for a new book in my "Randy's MAN-uals" series. The working title would be "The Back-Hair Formula: How to Ensure Your Inner Beast is a Lion, Not a Woolly Mammoth" I'll have to shorten that, of course. The earth often shakes when I get a good idea. Well, my mind was completely blank at the time, so ... pretty sure it was an earthquake.

'The good news is that she gave me her phone number - The bad news is that the call will cost me twelve dollars a minute.'

"It's nearly as valuable as what we'll inherit when your mother dies - that's how much I love you."

"It must take a while for vitals to shut down, she's still texting."