Timely Churchgoer Pillows

Sermon about 20 minutes

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Let us pray...'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"Amen. Please help me up."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."