Thermostat Diplomat Pillows

"And do you promise never to fight over the thermostat setting?"

ZOOM 'n' GLOOM.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers.

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"Huddleston, I admire your hands-on approach to everything, but get the hell out of my office!"

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

Playground reputation.

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Who posted the hilarious pics of you with the goofy haircut? Not sure. Someone who wants to humiliate me. One of the usual cyber bullies. No. Meaner. Hmm

Two computers are having a conversation, but stop when their owner enters the room.

"We're too tired to argue. Let's let Siri and Alexa handle this for us."

"I can't hold it together much longer. . . If Bradley doesn't wipe that smug, self-satisfied smirk off his face soon, I swear I'll kill him."

Thank you for not making faces during teleconferences with the boss.

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Too many people post comments in the heat of anger. They strike while the ire is hot!

"Trust me, Son, you do not want to 'grow up to be president.' "

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

'You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to unwind after work.'

'They aren't shy about cutting you out of the decision making process.'

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"She called me immature, And if that wasn't bad enough, she burst my bouncy castle."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

You're so demanding, run it yourself!

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'