Digestive Diplomat Pillows

"No fire ants for me. Spicy food gives me acid reflux."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Do you know I fought an hour with that salmon you're eating."

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"So are you can't cook or won't cook?"

Thanksgiving Family Get-Togethers

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Two computers are having a conversation, but stop when their owner enters the room.

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Thank you for not making faces during teleconferences with the boss.

'My dad must like you, or he would have charged by now.'

"Is anyone enjoying anything?"

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

'For once can't we all just sit down and eat as a family?'

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Landing That Tough Account

'No, there's nothing else: At this time of year, we eat salmon!'

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."