Drink Diplomat Pillows

Drunk sailor anchored to a bar.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

"So are you can't cook or won't cook?"

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Thanksgiving Family Get-Togethers

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

Two computers are having a conversation, but stop when their owner enters the room.

Thank you for not making faces during teleconferences with the boss.

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

Landing That Tough Account

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Trust me, Son, you do not want to 'grow up to be president.' "

"Is anyone enjoying anything?"

Excess Baggage: If you can draw, you don't have to know the local language.

"She called me immature, And if that wasn't bad enough, she burst my bouncy castle."

'And I bet the same resolution principles would work in your neighborhood conflicts.'

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'