Drink Diplomat Pillows

Drunk sailor anchored to a bar.

ZOOM 'n' GLOOM.

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"So are you can't cook or won't cook?"

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

Thanksgiving Family Get-Togethers

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

Two computers are having a conversation, but stop when their owner enters the room.

"We're too tired to argue. Let's let Siri and Alexa handle this for us."

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Thank you for not making faces during teleconferences with the boss.

"Trust me, Son, you do not want to 'grow up to be president.' "

Landing That Tough Account

"She called me immature, And if that wasn't bad enough, she burst my bouncy castle."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

Too many people post comments in the heat of anger. They strike while the ire is hot!

"Is anyone enjoying anything?"

'And I bet the same resolution principles would work in your neighborhood conflicts.'

Excess Baggage: If you can draw, you don't have to know the local language.

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"Tell him I can still hear him chewing."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'