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"So, Darling. How long have you had this notion that people are being over friendly with you?"

"You have issues? Be more specific, what issues?"

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

"Teach me not to care."

"So has this obsession about your weight ever led to thoughts of suicide?"

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

Sardine psychologist.

Can I take your disorder?

"It's my 30-day chip. One month catnip free."

"Say these things, don't think them!"

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

Laughter Therapy.

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

"And what can I do for you, Sir?"

"You've got a few screws loose."

"You've got two more things to worry about now. You're mad and I'm expensive."

I always felt I should have been born into royalty, Doctor Kapuchnik. If it's any consolation, Al, you're a royal pain.

"One coping mechanism I suggest to deal with uncertain times is to eat as much as you can, gain a lot of weight, and then go have a nap for six months or so."

"Come on, Doc, one of us has to relax,"

"So tell me about your last poop."

Why don't we just talk first before we resort to that.

"Our guest is Dr. Paul Veblin, renowned marriage counselor and resident of nearby Southport, where he lives with his 6th wife."

"I keep thinking it's Christmas."

"You're putting up too many walls Hadrian."

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'

'So, tell me about your childhood...'

"When the spoon ran away with the dish, it broke my heart!"

"I can't help you with your chronic whistling. You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a musicologist!"

Killing the Client.

Psychiatry. Here's your soda --- Would you like a crazy straw?

'…and then I invented ‘prong-less' barbed wire…'