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'No... you first.'

Advice for the narcissist.

"Any chance of a longer couch?"

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

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"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

Man on psychiatrist's couch: 'It was a cry for help, really - I tried to slash my wrists with rollerblades.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

'Life can be tough, Peel.' - 'Yes.' - 'But you have to stay positive.' - 'Yes' - 'You have to keep telling yourself, 'This loser is funding my holiday to Hawaii.' - 'Yes.'

"I feel like we're finally making progress."

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Do you feel you were loved as a tadpole?"

"We never talk about anything. 'Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me Tarzan, you Jane.' That's all he ever says."

"Adolescence can be a very trying time, Mr. Alcorn."

"Have you ever heard anyone yell 'EEEK! A psychiatrist!'?"

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

'My therapist cured me of using humour as a defence, these days I pack a .45.'

Life can be beautiful, Al. But for you, the fly in the ointment is your self-loathing. So, my question to you is, what's the fly doing in the ointment? The backstroke!

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

Psychiatry. I know I've lost touch with reality, but in my defense, reality started it.

In a twist on "It's A Wonderful Life," sometimes I wonder what the world would have been like if I HAD existed.

'I can't even watch football on TV. When they go into a huddle I'm sure they're talking about me.'

'And now Patrick will tell us how music has helped him with his problems.'

'You seem pretty wound up today.'

'So, who's not a happy bunny?'