Therapy Jokes Prints

'Well, no, I wouldn't say I'm a mad cow, although Farmer Brown does get on my nerves once in a while!'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

Cut out and keep your own Freud.

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

Mathematician on the couch.

"YOUR mother? - Let me tell you about MY mother...."

"You do realise that you are not the only client scheduled this morning?"

"Nobody loved little William Poopy-Pants."

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

Why don't we just talk first before we resort to that.

I always felt I should have been born into royalty, Doctor Kapuchnik. If it's any consolation, Al, you're a royal pain.

'I have ego issues — at least, I think it's me.'

'I'm becoming predictable.'

'Visualize yourself not falling off the wall.'