Therapy Jokes Fan Prints

Why don't we just talk first before we resort to that.

'Well - the layman's terminology for your condition is 'nutty as an acorn''

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

"You'll never be a full participant in your mental health care if you keep saying wacky things."

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

"Teach me not to care."

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"No heroic measures."

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

Sardine psychologist.

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

Can I take your disorder?

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

Cut out and keep your own Freud.

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."