The Witty Businessperson Pillows

'When you said that you carried the whole weight of the company on your shoulders. . .'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

Spot the difference.

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"Any questions?"

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'