The Witty Businessperson Pillows

'When you said that you carried the whole weight of the company on your shoulders. . .'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Spot the difference.

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"Any questions?"

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Satya Nutella

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."