The Art Of Parenting Gifts

Why do I have to talk to Teddy? Because I talked to Twig about the facts of life. I was quite effective, too! How do you know? It's obvious. She's 15 and not pregnant! The fact she doesn't have a boyfriend might be even more effective.

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

City Zoo: Day Care

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Bond James, Bond."

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Have you been on the moon again, young man?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

I like the Jets...I guess

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

'What would your mum say if she saw you drawing all over the wall like that?'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

A young Don King

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

"They grow up so fast."

Madonna of the Pukes.

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Someone once told me that kids grow up so quickly. I hope there's some truth to that."

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

"This is a great spot to practice mighty roars son..."

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.