Telephone Message Humor Prints

"Stop after leaving that 85th message. We don't want to sound desperate."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

Call centre musicians

'Can you do anything else?'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

'Please hold for an eternity...'

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

"I'll have my people call your people."

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.

'Sorry but my disposable income is tied up in a roast in the oven.'

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Ryan. From now he'll be managing all of my emoji and GIF responses in your ridiculously long family text message threads."

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Ahab's Last Call.

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

Sorry I missed your call – I was on the other line.

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'He's busy right now but if it's important I'll wake him.'

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

"You'll have to clarify. Do you want to speak to the head of the household or my dad?"

"Thank you for calling the unemployment office. No one can take your call right now, because we've all been laid off."

'Betty? I can't come over; I've got prickly heat rash again.'

Willie Nelson, hold music.

'If you've got a complaint, please press 1. If we can help you to find something to complain about, please press 2.'

'My Mom was a call girl - and retired after 20 years at the phone company.'

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."

"Do you mean to say that we have both been on hold for half an hour?"

Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Are you dialing with hands or paws?

"I'm sorry, you're very faint. Could you pant a bit louder please?"