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"This remote doctor visit is just like the real thing. I've been waiting 35 minutes and I still haven't seen the doctor."

'You were right Doc: Jumping over the monn did boost my self esteem!'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

'I feel like such a failure: They have to process my milk to make it low-fat...'

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

'Look at the bright side -- having a business fail when you're thirty is great preparation for your Midlife Crisis.'

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.

"How much is this going to cost me?"

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

"Apparently you're a bi-polar bear."

"You have to remember you're not responsible for other people's happiness."

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

"Too much caution can take all the fun out of life." "Mind if I get a second opinion?"

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

"There's only so much bat-mansplaining a girl can take."

It's always the same dream. I'm in therapy, analyzing my recurring dream.

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

'The pain in my head always seems to subside when I flush your bills down the toilet!'

'I suffer from depression too Ms Frost. Sometimes I'm not even motivated to get out of bed!'

"No, not us. Do something every day that scares you."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"My lifestyle is empty and meaningless."

Tomb with a knight and his psychiatrist.

"Feeling a bit under the weather again, Mr Robinson?"

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."