Teen Parenting Enthusiast Pillows

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Growth Charts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

I love my family!

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Crying baby

Early childhood development

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"Having a cat will prepare us for having a teenager one day."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

7 Dwarves of Fatherhood

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

Lemming mothers

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"My first Father's day!"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'We've created a teenager!'

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'One advantage of living through the plagues and wars of the 14th century was that you didn't have to study Chaucer.'