Tech-savvy Health Professional Prints

"The computers are down, so I can't 'search' your symptoms at the moment."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"We think we got some good CT scans, but unfortunately they're encrypted and our I.T. guy is on vacation this week."

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

"It's good to be able to recognize everyone."

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

"No, I'm not able to transplant your computer's antivirus software into your body. Try washing your hands more often."

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

Have you considered using email?

"There was a system failure that caused a brief crash, but fortunately I was able to reboot."

Employee performance review software.

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'It says here that machine learning finds fake news with 88% accuracy. I think from now on I really need to edit my reports before I turn them in.'

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

"Nurse, could you please click Ok?"

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

"The healthcare industry has made a lot of advances in billing technology."

"Take two aspirin and text me in the morning."

"Stiff neck, blurred vision, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, all due to extended time in front of a computer. I think I just discovered the ICD-10 code for my job!"

'That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I'll ask my computer.'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"How's the computer analysis going?"

'I feel a lot better! I hacked into your computer and reduced my insurance co-pay.'

When Surgeons Work At Home

'Cell phones can make you more productive, but only if you turn them off.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, would you like your screens wiped or dusted?'

Telephone consultations worked but maybe TEXT consultations were a step too far...Does anyone recognise 'fngx stre pink' as a symptom?.

"It's the only way I can get some of my paitents to listen to me."