Team Management Gifts

"Today's top priority is prioritizing our priorities."

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

The Department of People waiting for Something to Happen...

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"So, how can we explain this dip in productivity which seems to happen every Wednesday?"

'The secret of productivity.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'Shall we motivate the team then?' 'Nah, can't be arsed.'

Bud's Coaching Staff Removal Service.

Fabio Capello, England Manager

"I wouldn't come to watch this rubbish every week, If I wasn't their manager."

'Daft title. How could you have 'backward' planning?'

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

Business Meeting

"You may want to steer clear of Jensen until he gets accustomed to you. He can be a bit territorial."

"It's my duty to warn you that prolonged squabbling will push this meeting past the end of my rope."

Unai Emery Etxegoien

"Whatever you're about to say, I disagree with most of it."

"Be careful what you wish for, Bob, because you just might get it. And if it happens to be what I was wishing for, things could get pretty ugly around here."

"Can I order a complete re-install please? Not my computer, my sales staff."

"No need to give me credit . . . I'll just take it."

"Hayward and his whole deal have just been dumped in my lap."

"Don't let it come to a voice vote. We always get screwed."

"I heard you're top dog in trust and loyalty training."

Carlo Ancelotti

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

Steve Bruce

Bellamy vs Souness.

'It's the end of the line Mutu!'

Sam Allardyce

I've called this crisis meeting because the boss gets back tomorrow.

'Want a good full back?'

Football fans discuss a deceased manager: A giant, a legend, much loved. Didn't we sack him?

'You are dreaming the impossible team.'