Teacher's Ally Gifts

'Good morning, class. I'm Ms. Gardener, and I know how you feel. My mother made me come too.'

We have too many students! I know. Send them home!

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

'This part was tenure.'

Spring To Do List: Teach, Testing, Testing,Test Some More. . .

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

"I was a primary school teacher. What did you do?"

"I don't like a school year that begins with 'while you were out'."

'Here's another email from a parent, written in lower case with no punctuation and seventeen spelling errors, demanding we do a better job of teaching social skills.'

"Tell me again how many young minds I will have shaped by the end of my teaching career."

"I didn't know you could do worse than an F. When did they start handing out poop emojis?"

'The principal is keeping my teacher after school. She kicked the computer.'

'I was going to teach them the meaning of life ... but it wasn't on the test.'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

Principal to teacher with trap door below her desk: 'The board thinks people teach better under pressure.'

'I'm sorry Mrs. Jackson, but when you've become as excellent of a teacher as you are, you've forfeited your right to retire.'

'You can never be too fit or too tenured.'

"That's excellent, Caroline!"

You wouldn't believe the screams of joy I hear when I announce a school closing...and that's just the teachers!

'It has cut down on note-passing, glancing at fellow students' test papers and spitballs.'

"I believe teacher is beginning to rub off on me."

"There's the bell for respite. . . I mean, recess."

"I asked the parents to get involved more and now they're home-schooling."

A Lesson in Leadership: Misplacing your keys isn't a problem, unless you have to enlist the whole school's support to find them.

'I want you to text message 100 times, 'I will not text message in class.''

'...and then you smile and say...all together now...'that's not deductible.'.'

'A hidden cost of implementing common core standards in education...'

"I've never heard of a PE teacher giving football homework."

"Mrs. Martin is here. She's the new substitute teacher."

"I figured by not doing my homework I'd lighten your workload by giving you one less paper to correct."

"The kindergarteners have breached their classroom confines, and are headed this way. We'll be overrun within minutes. What should we do?"

'There will be a 20-minute delay in my presentation of the gasoline combustion engine.'

"My parents appreciate teachers, but me, not so much."

'She must have been a teacher.'

'The halcyon days of an apple for the teacher are a distant memory.'