Take-it-easy Expert Pillows

"Haven't you wondered why I live about 50 years longer thank you?"

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

"If the economy's ground to a halt, we can help by carrying on shopping."

Heading off with a packed bag

"So are you can't cook or won't cook?"

How the goat got square eyes.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

"The figures would seem to indicate that you're not really a scientist."

Second aid

'I hope this DVD has some worthwhile in-front-of-the-scenes content.'

'My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off.'

Ophiologist

"Would you like your milk in a bag?"

"What kind of take-out are you in the mood for: overpriced or overrated?"

"...when oil begins shimmering...stir in vegetables and cook until tender."

"The black flies go away when the mosquitoes show up."

"Stan used to be a motivational speaker but then the kids finally moved out."

"Cooking is easy. You put stuff on the stove, burn it and then order pizza. My mom does it all the time."

'I didn't have time to put up a lot of lights, so this year I only put up one giant one.'

'Junior! Get down from there! You're not arboreal!'

'The school run.'

'Duck.'

Anyone else need a toilet break?

Maynard Wilson - "The Bull Whisperer"

'Need any help with packing?'

'There are so many kids in my family that I can only get 'hand-me-downs'...'

'What a day! Give me a Scotch and bromo!'

"Campus lockdown 2020-21: Studied Net Flix, takeaway menu apps, and future benefit entitlements."

Dark cloud over an office.

"Your book inspired me to get into the self-help racket."