Synagogue Goer Pillows

'Rabbi, that talk was totally sick! You pwned it man!'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Let us pray...'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

"I have an app for that."

CCTV in church.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"Amen. Please help me up."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"