Synagogue Goer Pillows

'Rabbi, that talk was totally sick! You pwned it man!'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

'Let us pray...'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"I have an app for that."

"Amen. Please help me up."

Baptism Then and Now

CCTV in church.

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

United Church of OMG