Sympathy Gifts

Kiosk in large lobby with sign above it labeled 'Empathy'.

Animal cemetary with a grieving dog.

I need a greeting card that starts funny, moves on to heartfelt sympathy, and ends on a note of renewed confidence and joy.

'Your heart is bigger than the average human heart. That's because you're an animal rights activist.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Prejudice/Empathy

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

Can't even hold signs well.

"Now that I've swung back to depression, I'm truly sorry for what I did when I was manic."

The Female Brain and The Other One

"What a sad species humans are!"

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

Man with broken leg in cast.

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

"Don't judge me until you've walked a mile on my medication."

"Any improvement since I brought the balloon?"

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

"We'll soon have you sorted out, Mr. Fenton."

"Congratulations, dear, you're the sickest looking one on the whole floor."

The invention of a hat that reveals emotions

"This is the time of year when you begin to appreciate the 'Time's' fuller coverage."

Warring parents

A psychic mows the lawn.

'How many are just staying together for the kids? Ok, that's good, very good.'

"It's a full-blown empathy attack!. . . help me sneak him out of here before this thing spreads through the entire company!"

'Well, Mr. Harris, I'm afraid you simply care too much. You have compassion fatigue.'

Hot flashes

STRIP *Community Care * Office rage"

"Now I'm well, I miss my doctor."

The Poor Man Donating Love to the Rich

Local wildlife bringing an old beggar food.

"I was hoping to settle this without avoiding some sort of argument."