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"Mr Brown. Are you in for a triple bypass or an ingrown toenail?"

"Sorry Mr. Parkinson, but I've left some rubber gloves inside you. I need to open you up to retrieve them."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

"Satisfaction, stat!"

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

'The donor for your face transplant was a Mr. Bonzo.'

"If this isn't successful, the next one is on us."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'We've GOT to get the bullet out,,,'

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

"It was a botched surgery."

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

Man sees sign on hospital: 'Heart Surgeons Wanted' 'Immediate Openings'

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'Last year's 'Bring your pet to work day' turned out very well.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"I have some troubling news, Mr. Smithson. You're in my parking space."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

Flu Drugs.

"If it's an expensive surgery, we now implant a GPS tracking device for the hospital's collections department."

Surgeons prepare for the world's first loopendectomy. Objective: Remove that part of the brain that plays the same snippet of music over the over and over.

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

'My patient needs a new kidney. Make any grave mistakes today?'

"I'm afraid we've had to move him to expensive care."

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

'When you said I had to come in for a scan, this isn't what I had in mind.'

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

"Good?"