Substitution Savvy T-Shirts

For once, I'd like to order a non-soy-based tofu substitute. No more health food. I have Tofurkey.

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

Hacking through ice in order to fish

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

'It's not what you think. It's not about our liberation.'

'You can laugh all you want, but since I bought this 'GPS' system, I haven't beached myself once!'

August is corporate earnings restatement season.

'In a cost-saving move, I've replaced your cubicle with a back pack.'

'I'd add 'UK' to your name and do it in big red letters...that'll be £15,000.'

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

Charging to a 10,000 Dow?

Wall St. Glitterati

'Hey, dad! Look what I got in trade for your golf clubs!'

'I'm trading futures in green sheets.'

"I tend to get more done when I leave self-loathing off the to-do list."

'Take more vitamins... Well maybe you shouldn't take so many vitamins.'

Stock market news.

'Nice try, Mom! They're pinking shears.'

"The good news is that the stock market is doing much better."

President Obama's gun violence proposal and the NRA proposal.

I'm from Sleepy Hollow and haven't eaten in 240 years."

'I'm getting really tired of your friend crashing here every night!'

"Read my lips!"

"If I'm not being too personal, how much do you pay for a cord of wood?"

Harper takes steps to ensure Canada's arctic sovereignty.

"You're new around here."

"Let's contemplate how I'd benefit from repealing last week's Brexit decision the good old refined English art?"

'Yep, this model was recalled. But you're the first customer to bring back a used one.'

"A statue was built in his honor because he actually delivered on his campaign promises."

Poison Pill Legislation

'He keeps saying that he is a 'self-made-man' it's good of him to take the blame!'

"Very impressive - a graduate of clown college and Trump University."