Subsidy Strategist Pillows

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

"You mean you can get a government subsidy for doing nothing?"

"I AM at my usual position."

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

"He loves his leaf blower."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

"Hey, honey, the credit card company increased our debt... I mean our credit limit!"

'My allowance isn't much - but I have a great benefits package!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Screwdriver labelled 'Buyer' and screw labelled 'seller'.

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

'You'll learn that our corporate structure is a bit unconventional.'

"...and, if your idea is so imaginative, innovative and original, why aren't our competitors doing it?"

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

'What makes you think we want to sell you son.'

Supermarket Merge

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

"Honey, I love celebrating Christmas! I love all the food, the sweets, the Christmas tree and the presents, but our bank account hates Christmas!"

'I don't need to know what it is when it's on sale.'

Punishment for the kicker.

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

My first mistake.

CONGRESS, 'No, no, you don't HAVE to fool all of the people all of the time - you just need to CONFUSE them!'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

Artificial Isle

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'

Footballers - Kevin Keagan

"It's wonderful, Harry! How late does Neiman-Marcus stay open?"

Protein Powder Irony

"When the heck did leaf blowers become grass blowers?!"

"I see your point, but wouldn't it be more fun to spend it while I'm young enough to enjoy it?"