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"Did the three pigs have enough insurance to rebuild their home?"

"Let's play hide-and-I-read-my-book."

"Stop asking so many questions, or it's right back to Books on Tape for you."

"I do't think good huffing and puffing can be taught."

'I'm so glad this bedtime story comes in audio.'

'Can you read this one for me? I have a book report on it tomorrow.'

'No, I don't think the three little pigs had to pay restitution to the wolf's widow.'

Old Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes

Today's Rapunzel

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

The Big Bad Wolf visits the Three Little Pigs dressed as Santa.

'I'm really getting tired. How about a spoiler alert?'

This Little Pig built his house of straw, and lived happy secure ever after

'Psstt, Agent Stark from the Witness Protection Program: If you come now, Bo Peep will never find you again...'

'I don't know how they knew they were going to live happily ever after. I just know there was no prenuptial agreement.'

'Ever since I started wearing this fake crown, lovely girls have kept coming up and kissing me...'

Bedtime Stories

"Because he was the one who had to milk her. That's why Jack traded the cow for a handful of beans."

Bedtime in Ancient Greece

"I resent the name-calling Doc: I may be bad, but I'm not big, right?"

"President Clinton's new health plan will make Americans stop feeling so bad-tempered and mean and rotten all the time, and then the pussy cats will all be very, very happy ever after."

"Did the cow that jumped over the moon have NASA funding?"

'I wonder how Curious George fits into all this?'

'I couldn't put the book down... I had peanut butter and jelly on my hands!'

'Come on, girl! I know you can do it! Jump over the moon!'

What Goldilocks didn't know.

"Go figure: nobody wanted to kiss me when I was an ugly prince, but now, somehow, pretty girls are lining up!"

The Force of Example.

"I know Goldilocks is adorable now, but trust me - the minute puberty hits we'll want to eat her."

"Dear UPS, buzzer is broken. Please shout loudly and I will let down my hair."

"When the evil witch pushes the children into the oven, .... that's just a metaphor for putting them in the microwave"

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"According to mom the answers are all in this book!" "Too bad there's no pictures at which to look!"

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'