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'It looks like early Carboniferous, Bill.'

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

Man looks at huge dinosaur fossil in garden, saying: 'It looks great in the rockery, but don't you think you should call the Natural History Museum?'

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Toys were me: lessons learned never growing up

"Now here's a tale that'll make you hair stand on end"

Alice in Wonderland - The Pig Baby.

'They never quite finished it - it was probably over budget.'

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

Queen says: 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall ... 'It's all so subjective' is not an acceptable answer.'

'And all the executive board members got lovely big payouts and lived happily ever after!'

William Tell

Tonight 'Richard III' a new play by William Shakespeare.

Rapunzel's short-lived career in the restaurant business.

'I thought you were going for a walk in the woods. Your porridge has been cooling on the table for hours! '

"The Ugly Duckling didn't know why he was so attracted to swan culture."

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

Fairy tale

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

'Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your hair extensions.'

'So the prince and princess lowered their expectations became savvy consumers, then they lived reasonably contented forever after.'

'Pirate's Cove is about a half mile down the beach.'

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

'Tarzan's younger brother, Ed, was raised by sloths.'

"'Best wishes'? That's it? That's all you got?!"

"Now, can you explain that with a parable?"

The princess and the key

'Poor thing. He got left out in the acid rain.'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'