Stock Sentinel Gifts

'I'm outta here.'

'Well, Frobisher, it's taken a millennium, but thanks to our initial public stock offering, we've finally turned lead into gold.'

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'Mr Sims, in honor of your portfolio, we're flying our flag at half-mast.'

Worker Rights and the Smoking Ban

'Will broker deals for food'

"You've done it - you've come up with the perfect password."

'He used to swear by the stock market. Now he swears at it.'

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

'Relax. I've come for your high yield 30 year Treasury bonds. They're about to expire.'

Stock Market - Bull vs Bear

"Stocks closed higher on news that despite market volatility, Edgar Freund, just an average investor from Petoskey, Michigan, decided not to sell anything."

"I know you're territorial, but you can't growl when someone uses your stapler."

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to say how much I hate your dress."

"Don't forget, the market will take a sharp downturn on the stroke of midnight."

Stock marketeers shooting each other playfully with guns full of money

Sinking Oil Tanker

'Tech stocks tumbled on news that Alan Greenspan's computer was down.'

Grocery. I hope to work on the business side of TV and movies one day, so I've added "produce placement experience" to my resume. Thanks to everybody keeping stores open and stocked.

"Forget consumer confidence, what we need is consumer gullibility."

"I'm a little uneasy about the 'sometimes'."

"Has there been any unusual activity in our stock? The canary just died."

'Our vows didn't say anything about hedge fund mis-management!'

"We are now required to tell you to fasten your seatbelt for the following Stock Market report...."

"We had our identities stolen, and they took everything!"

'That was one of my all-time great rumors.'

'Don't be afraid, the speculators won't take away your savings. I'll be faster than they are!'

'At last a sign the bear market may be over.'

"You majored in cyber hacking and institutional sabotage?. . . Hired!"

Stealing digital data from computers.

'The market is up 18 points and all is well.'

'Give me the name of your first girlfriend, first car, and first pet!'

'Oh my god... oh my god...'

"Retail shares just went up ten percent. My wife must have gone shopping this morning!"

News on television: 'On Wall Street, stocks rebounded on news that 'up' and 'down' are just states of mind.'