Stock Market Sherlock Pillows

"Math is not my strong suit. That said, I would suggest investing 30% in stocks, 40% in bonds and 40% in previous metals."

The day the stock market went UP.

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

'I think I know what the problem is!'

'You know the economy's in trouble when the Forbes 400 list of wealthiest Americans only has 350 names on it.'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Slipping and sliding down the slope...

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"We've had a major development this year that I'm excited to share with the employees."

"For details on the bear market, here's a bear..."

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

"That new drug causes flatulence."

"He's quick with the birds and bees stuff, but then comes the bulls and the bears..."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'This is where I hang out until bullishness makes a comeback.'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

Depressed Businessman at Office Christmas Party.

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

'These latest figure are encouraging...'

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"Elon Musk is buying rope and walnuts."

"Jerry's blood pressure jumped to a six month high on News of the dollar's weakness."

"Some guy by the name of Bernanke called in. He wants to try and make an emergency soft landing."

"Our initial public offering, .... The public has gotten wind of it!"

'To satisfy our stockholders, we'll draw stars to see which of us will be hung in effigy.'