Stock Market Satire Prints

Stock Market: Please insert money HERE!

"Well, we've just run out of toilet paper, but I guess we can use our stock options instead."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

"Today the market closed at exactly the right price, and all buyers and sellers were very happy."

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'The plan was idiot-proof. Unfortunately, someone came up with a superior idiot.'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

'Greenspan today explained the reason the Fed faises interest rates is so they can lower them again.'

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'