Stock Market Humor Prints

'Tech stocks tumbled on news that Alan Greenspan's computer was down.'

Federal Reserve Board - Out to Attend A Stock Market Prayer Vigil.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

'It's a deal, for $15 an hour, I'll stand in front of your office.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."