Stock Market Joke Lover Prints

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Today, the dollar gained against the euro, pound, yen, yuan, the Picasso, Degas, and the Warhol.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

"I was doing pretty well in the stock market until I discovered there were laws."

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

I can't believe It!

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

'Tech stocks tumbled on news that Alan Greenspan's computer was down.'

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'