Stock Market Investing Gifts

'Lets face it, Farley. This is a great time to be rich.'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'Now that I have your attention...'

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

The day the stock market went UP.

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"Stock options for your thoughts."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

Large Dollar Sign Office Block

Profit

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

The president's men

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"