Stand-up Soldiers Pillows

'Gwen, I feel horrible! I may have to cancel tonight's set. . . The E.R. doctor was so impressed, he let me keep his stethoscope.'

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

'The stand-up geneticist'

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

Comedy course highlights fake nose