Stand-up Soldiers Pillows

'Gwen, I feel horrible! I may have to cancel tonight's set. . . The E.R. doctor was so impressed, he let me keep his stethoscope.'

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Michael McIntyre.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Bob Monkhouse

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

Woody Allen

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Phill Jupitus

Comedy course highlights fake nose

Amy Schumer

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'The stand-up geneticist'