Stand-up Advocate Pillows

'Isn't this better? I told you we could change things if we just stood up to them!'

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Twitter censorship

'What'll it be?'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Freedom Book.

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Michael McIntyre.

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Weapens of Mass Instruction

Bob Monkhouse

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

Clive Anderson

Woody Allen

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

"And don't forget 'the right to shoot your damn fool mouth off'."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Comedy course highlights fake nose

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'The stand-up geneticist'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."