Stand-up Historian T-Shirts

"They must be planning to do a real number on us. It looks like they've brought along an accountant."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

"You're on a what?!"

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Mount Olympus Brewery. Those might be dangerous to open. They're Pandora's Bocks.

"There's only one 'L' in colosseum."

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

"Right here's fine."

What's an Imax cave?

The discovery of asparagus.

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

The Fall of Gnome

"You're stealing from the rich and selling it to the poor on Craigslist?"

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

This side is the gag reel.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.