Spreadsheet Sleeper Pillows

1 Quarterly Report

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"That will be the gold standard by which all other naps are judged."

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

Snooze Alarm for Mole.

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

"Dunhomin"

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

'Wish you would've warned me about this. I hate getting ambushed.'

Kate had originally been very enthusiastic to prepare the annual global audit plan.

"Watching him work those spreadsheets all day can be very relaxing."

'We're projecting a profit, but not within our lifetimes.'

"No! No! Ya dang fools. Circle the covered wagons. Not the covered dishes."

'I think we should budget on the number of budgets we draw up'

"Jenkins has always been good at saving energy."

It's worse than you think, it goes down to the third floor.

'And this I take it is the bookkeeping department.'

'It's agreed, Members of the board will not take certain aspects of the annual report too personally.'

City & Western.

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

'This spreadsheet program has really been enhanced since I installed the Ouija board.'

"Like you, I once loved women - then I discovered spreadsheets."